Hey bros, long time no see. I'm sure a lot of you could guess who this is but I'll just keep it anon for now. I'm in a lot of trouble in life. My marriage is crumbling around me and it's honestly my fault. I feel like a complete waste of space and I hate myself so fucking much. I have developed an anxiety disorder, I'm depressed, and I might have PTSD from killing so many people but honestly who knows. I am so shaken up by life I just need to tell my story. All of my friends have abandoned me and I have no one left. I talk to my Dad every day, but I am ashamed to call him while I cry because he gets so worked up. I just want somewhere I can tell my story. I met my wife a few years back, and we hit it off immediately. I'm talking soul mate level shit. And I'm not ashamed to say, she was my first (and only). We started formally dating shortly after and it was heaven. Mon-Thurs, I was working and living in one town and she worked and lived in another. Friday, I'd drive down to see her or pick her up and we'd go out and have a blast every weekend. I have never had a better period of my life then this. We explored all over, had so many fun experiences, and even just being together was perfect. Sadly, I had to move to a new state and had no choice. I told her I'd visit, she could visit, etc. but she was very upset. Once I moved, things didn't get better. She was very, very distant and cold. We decided to get married, which felt like a rush but we were in love and it made the best sense at the time. We chose to forego a ceremony and everything just to be together quicker. She did not make it clear until years later, she wanted a proper proposal and a proper wedding but I honestly (and stupidly) had no idea. I just thought our love was a big whole thing. So we got married, and shortly after I got us an apartment and real life began. Again, it was a fucking blast. I was so excited to pick out furniture with her, go to stores, just being with her every day made me the happiest man on the planet. But, she wasn't happy. She missed her family, her pet birds passed away back home, and she missed her dog. She was not able to work due to some unforeseen circumstances, and she was not able to start working until February of this year. We spent my entire savings of over ten thousand dollars just on building our life together. We ended up going into debt because of a missed credit card payment, that has spiraled out of control to this day. I tried everything I could to hold things together but it just got more and more negative. I got the bright idea to get a puppy, a rescue, but after a month or two she hated it so much we re-homed it back to the shelter. Within hours I was crying and so remorseful, we tried to get it back. We were unsuccessful after being told we would be fine, because the foster decided to adopt it. So, I entered a state of depression. We ended up getting another dog, and I started to slowly realize everything was fine. We even saw the original dog at a dog park in town all grown up! It didn't remember us and was very happy, so that made me happy. Anyway, things just got more and more downward from there. She hated the new dog too, or at least complained about it a lot. She hated our apartment, she hated the new state, she hated everything. Work started to really fuck with us hard, and stop me from being home as often as they could. Random night shifts that changed weekly, 24 hour work on random days or weekends, etc. I was powerless to stop it, but I was still held accountable. She would gradually start to throw these elaborate "tantrums" in a way, where she would go and say she's leaving and not coming back and etc. I would cry, and feel so down and she'd come back and hug me and say it's okay. Not healthy behavior at all, but I excused it. Part of these reasons would generally involve me masturbating. Once, she waited outside the bathroom while I masturbated. She proceeded to get super angry at me for lying to her about it (instinct was I was embarrassed and said no I wasn't, then was like okay yeah I was sorry I said no). Another time, I was taking an over the counter supplement that made my mind go loopy and I beat off and told her I did out of guilt and she went from comforting me to yelling at me (Note some of this is out of chronological order sorry). This came to a head when I was in a mandatory training and a woman told me I looked like Tom Cruise in my sunglasses. I thought this was just a ploy to score brownie points for the peer exercise we were doing, and laughed it off. My wife hates Tom Cruise so I told her thinking she would find it funny. She exploded. Almost wasn't going to sign a new lease with me at this new apartment we had been waiting on, was going to leave me, etc. Drove me to class and told me to sign in, then come right back or I could "get a ride from my whore." It was excruciating but in fairness, knowing her insecurity about women, I should not have made it a point to mention that interaction. Then, while in class one day when things had started to blow over, I did something very stupid and weird. I took a picture of this woman as she was walking to class. I honestly jacked off to it one time, and felt terrible afterward and no idea why I did it. But I did. I deleted it and everything but still felt like a creep and a fucking weirdo. We went to visit her family shortly after, and things were icy at times. At one point, I told her a story I heard in class and realized it was from that woman. I felt so terrible involving that person she hated, and the guilt ate away at me until I told her. She would barely talk to me all day, but eventually relaxed. I was on my phone and saw I had memes that were sexually explicit. My wife was drunk but I told her, full disclosure, this is what was on my phone but I'm deleting it. She said okay and we went to bed. Next day, normal great day. Lots of fun and happiness. Then, she asked to use my phone. I gave it to her not caring but felt nervous. Something about her asking for it was off. Well, turns out I had internet porn (a lot of it was random pictures of women not even that sexually explicit, or were backed up from Google Photos like a woman with tattoos in lingerie or something from like 2012-2013). She went outside with me and screamed at me about it for about 15 minutes. I think that may be when the cracks started to really show in my mental health. She treated me like absolute dog shit the rest of the trip, cried all night, and was just miserable. I was as well. I could not sleep at all for days, or eat for that matter. I think in this period of time I lost a good 10 pounds. She did not want to come back home with me, but did and things started to get better. At some point, either prior to this event or after, I had an incident at work I can not explain to this day. I believe it was prior, but I totally forgot about it. A woman coworker of mine lent me her phone, which I had asked to borrow, and I went through her photos. I do not remember seeing anything other than like her in a bathing suit or like underwear, but honestly may have seen a thumbnail of her chest. Either way, I felt disgusting and just kind of like reset it and gave it back. I am sure I jacked off to the idea of her at least once, but I didn't save photos or anything. Also at some point, I went to Hooters with my wife and took a picture of a waitress in a sexual manner. Again, jacked off to it at some point before deleting it. Disgusting, awful, vile behavior I have since rectified but can not seem to redeem myself of. Long story short, I eventually came (sort of) clean. We had been doing marital therapy, I was in individual therapy, it was a whole thing. After visiting her family for the holidays, she was finally happy. I mean, truly happy. But my guilt inside me was too much. I wrote her a (admittedly crazy as fuck) letter, admitting to everything I'd ever done wrong in and outside of the marriage, and basically ran out of the house. Also, we bought her parents this house lol. So we are like, staying there and we own it but her parents and family live there while we are living elsewhere right now. So she calls the police because I am being (again, admittedly) crazy as fuck and I have to diffuse the situation. We spend Xmas Eve and Xmas doing okay but I got drunk as hell and called my friends and they told me I'm not a bad person and etc. My wife, however, disagreed. So after Xmas, we had to fly back home to handle some government bullshit, then fly BACK to visit family before driving home. We spent a lot of money and a lot of time but it was so we could make everything work. All in all, before the Xmas trip and after, I would have routine meltdowns. I mean like, full on crazy mode. I'd repeat things, sometimes hit myself in the head or leg with my hand, lock myself in the bathroom for hours and just shake like crazy. When I was really bad, I'd go for walks to calm down but she hated that. She would freak the fuck out if I did that, saying I'm abandoning her. These freak outs took their toll on her. She had similar ones for about a year straight. Tore up things in our apartment, destroyed paintings she made, would get in her car and just leave for hours. I'd cry and be so worried, but we'd work it out in the end. But I guess my freak outs were too much for her and she packed the dog and her stuff and left the next morning. She told me it was not because of me, but to find work where we were moving to (same area as family) and it was okay. She left on good terms. I had a meltdown like you wouldn't believe. She was crying in the car, freaking out herself. We just fed off of each other. After a few hours, we both calmed down and decided it was good she went to move out to build out foundation in a new area. She even flew back to do Valentine's Day with me since I made tons of plans and everything. It was great! But, sadly, the cracks opened up again and this time worse than ever. She can not, can NOT, do long distance. She is unable to handle it like period. It is the saddest thing in the world because it's really not a big deal at all to me, and we have Netflix and video games and face time but none of it is enough. She is sick and tired of "waiting for me". Sadly, I am stuck here until my contract is up. There is no way around it legally, and I must be here. The other piece of this puzzle is that I have done the same career for 6+ years. I am good at it. I had job offers for six figures lined up but she told me if I took any, because of the traveling time, she was leaving me. ------------------------- I wrote a whole thing here but it got deleted because I took too long writing it. It has been a couple days since I started this post and I am worse off than before. My wife despises me and her resentment is all that remains. I truly ruined the only good thing that has ever happened in my life by virtue of simply... being me. Making mistakes, moving to a new state, all of it added up to an untenable situation and I completely and irrevocably destroyed my wife's ability to function. I once ran out of the car on the highway and hid out at a truck stop for like 6 hours while she drove home alone in the snow because I was afraid I had pictures of women on my laptop (like friends of mine, nothing like "nudes", just ones I had saved from their social media public accounts years past). It is terrible the way I have treated the only person who ever showed me any true kindness. I truly despise myself and want to die, but I would never kill myself. Today we got into an argument because I'm depressed or something. I can't even think straight. My last post explained it better lol too bad it got wiped. Oh well. Whenever I close my eyes all I see are flashes of our relationship. Our first date, our vacations together, some of our fights, but mostly the good times. It's the saddest thing in the world and I cry almost every time. We're still married but she is not the same person anymore. She is a shell of who she once was, vibrant and full of life. I am nothing but a husk as well. I hope I get hit by a car or something because I truly, have nothing left to live for. I am sorry for whoever took the time to read this. Peace.